Our Way, Today

Futility. Day in and out. Nights sleeping, waking, worrying. No real rest. Dwelling in a body and of a spirit of futility, repeating itself, and futile.

Clawing our way toward Calvary. Make no mistake. This is our Cross. Our lives.

When I came into the Church, and since then, for a long time, I would wonder, Lord, I am so blessed, what is my burden? I see it now, by the grace of God, that our lives are a terrible burden. The dead ends and disappointments. The self-serving aspect of even our greatest victories. The fleeting aspect of friends' support.

The nature of politics. Victory turned to ashes. Righteous positioning become futile, wavering, imploding, dead. False hope. Phantom promises. Hypocrisy of self and others.

And age. Activity becomes a doubt and a burden. Reading, writing, art and music. The mind seems constantly lapsing, the mind distracted, the ear dull.

Ah. But so. Just so, I say this. I love the Lord.

This is your will. This is your will. Praise be to God. Take this from me, take away my Cross - then will I weep.

Never, ever, let me be released, and I will praise you all the more, to your purpose, and none other. No other purpose registers for me. None other is worth my love or care, or my joy.

My love for you has taught me everything I ever needed to know about the futility of my life. And for this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I am never happier than when I have no other explanation for what I feel or say or do then when I can say to myself, such is the will of God. That is, when I am left with no other explanation. I mean, when there is no benefit to myself, no credit accorded to me.

How glad I am - how relieved! - in such times. Take this pain from me, and I will be truly hopeless. But how could you? Even at the point of death, I will praise you. I will praise you, for whom else should I praise?

I look forward to exactly that day, the hour, that moment when I am poised on the threshold. I will demand nothing but simply say, Here I am. Do with me as you will.